Stop talking
This is often one of the first things I ask my clients to practice. To stop talking. And it’s sooooo much easier said than done.
You see, there’s a point we reach in conflict where nearly everything out of our mouths is clearly not helping the connection, but rather harming it– either in the moment, or even in a bigger context. That is precisely when we need to stop talking and instead tend to our own nervous systems. Taking a timeout can be one of the most caring things we do for our relationships.
Here are some options of what this can sound like:
“Hold on, this isn’t helping. Let’s take a break, find a way to calm down and come back to this later when we have a bigger perspective.”
“I don’t like how I’m showing up right now. I’m going to take the dog for a walk and try to get more grounded. Can I check in with you when I get back?
“I think we need to stop. I love you too much to keep going at it like this.”
“Can we stop talking for a few minutes? I need to take a few breaths and try to calm down.”
2 main things to keep in mind are:
Be as kind as you can in the moment. Taking a few deep belly breaths before speaking can often help a LOT in this area.
Let your partner know that you’ll check back in with them at some point. Feeling left hanging without knowing for how long can be incredibly threatening to many of us, stirring fears around abandonment. Ideally you both find a way back towards one another with care within 24-48 hours, the sooner the better.
What’s clear is that we first need to build our own awareness around our reactivity. Talking about the goal of “stopping talking” with our partner beforehand can be super helpful as well as setting the intention within ourselves to stop.
My wish for you is that you stop (as much as possible) giving your nervous systems more evidence that conflict always leads towards extreme pain, hurt and disconnection. By learning to Stop Talking during times of reactivity and tunnel vision we can begin to create more fertile ground for other possibilities to arise–new, healthier options that can actually lead towards increased connection and intimacy.